So you both revel in a romantic dinner, candles flickering, crisp linens spread, conversation sparkling, clothing teasing and inviting a bedroom destination. Cab lets you off, bedroom beckons, same clothes get tossed onto the floor. You’re both aroused and hopeful. Kissing and caressing lead to greater excitement, all is going well. And then, he loses his erection.

Could be he’s tired after a long day. Or dealing with the effects of several glasses of wine. Or, most likely, anxious about his performance or how much he likes her. So common, always unnerving.

The man will usually get very upset and worried about how the woman is perceiving him; the woman usually worries that he doesn’t find her attractive. This becomes a classic presenting problem in a sex therapist’s office. Two bruised egos and enough anxiety filling the room to kill the whole relationship.

What most people don’t realize is that erectile variability is not only common but normal. Many, if not most men need direct stimulation of the penis in order to become erect and continuous stimulation in order to maintain the erection.

There is nothing wrong with a man losing his erection (unless due to a physiological condition)- what is crucial is for both men and women to understand that men can subsequently regain their erection with additional stimulation.

And here is exactly where the problem lies: most couples are so busy being anxious about the phenomenon that  they lose sight of the solution! Simply stated, if he loses it, have him regain it! The man can either stimulate himself or the woman can do so- period. Sex resumes, anxiety is off the radar screen, pleasure remains the focus. I just emphasized the most important word - PLEASURE. It is is yours for the taking if you keep it center stage. Or center bed!

April 16, 2016

The Erection Game